I had never in my life come across the more fundamentalist branches of Christianity (that all seem to stem from the US) until one of my South African friends fell into the clutches of one of these churches. At the time I could not fully comprehend or comment on what she was telling me. I now believe that her church was a cult. It frightens me. I don't think she is in this extreme church any more. I hope not.
The church was American, but at an army base in Germany. It practiced conversion of homosexuals, literal interpretation of the Bible (at least the parts about Creation, all the rest appear to be metaphors according to the apologists?) submission and complementarianism.
She is an only child, a true leader. She was born to lead in every way that I was not. She led sports groups and volunteer groups and church groups. All of a sudden she came to me with this book on how to be a submissive wife. I should add that she had not found a prospective husband at that time in her life, her late twenties. This was, I am sure, a stressful thing. She had previously broken her own purity ideals but had repledged herself and been remade into a virgin (apparently this is a thing).
I won't go into my views about submission in women and wives now, that it another post. But I will say, the type of submission that she was trying to apply for herself was not good. Not a good idea at all. As a natural leader she was trying to learn to suppress her natural self. She was actively trying to work out how to let her future man make all the decisions. Some women are more likely to follow others in life, as are some men. I work best with a boss telling me what to do. I am a follower at work. At home I say what I think, take my partner's ideas into consideration and we decide together from there. That is a healthy way.
But as a natural leader, I was frightened that she would stifle all of her natural aims and desires and talents and that would lead her into a terrible state of depression and eternal failure. She would have to change her deepest self.
As a personal anecdote, I remember at the end of first year university I was voted as leader of the gymnastics club. This was simply because I was the person who attended most often, I was in fact the only loyal attendee in our already small group. That is what I do well, loyalty and pitching up. I was not very happy about recieving this role because I have no talent for leadership at all and find it incredibly and debilitatingly stressful, but I thought it was good to challenge myself. At the time my friend seemed very upset that she was not chosen, but I did not think too much about it. The fact was, she was not often there. So how could she lead the group?
Well the year that I was to lead was the worst of my life. I would have been a terrible leader anyway, I was not doing a good job before disaster struck, but my brother committed suicide, and I was an absolute mess who could barely get through a day. And my two gymnastics deputies disappeared from the scene, never to be seen again. I was alone, and I battled and hated every minute. IT was so hard for me to do what I needed to do for that club. I loved gymnastics, but this was not my talent and when I mourn, I go into hiding. For me, an introvert this is a healthy thing. I need to be alone to process and to heal. But I was forced to deal with things that I could not cope with and it was horrible.
By the end of that year when the voting time came, my friend was chosen as leader. She did a fantastic job. She led the group for the next four or 5 years until she left the country. She organised inter-African and international university competitions. She was the best for the job, out of all of us, male or female.
I was a terrible leader but not because I am a woman, because my talents to not lie there. She was a better leader than all of the men in the group and because of her, the group thrived where with me it floundered badly.
If I had known how much she wanted to be leader way back in the beginning and how she thrived in that position, I would have happily let her lead. I derive no pride from leadership, it is only a burden to me, and I knew I did not want to lead. I only took it on because I was the only person who was there regularly.
I am HAPPY to see that now that she has moved and married, and had a child, that she plans to go back to work soon, that although her husband wants another child now, she allows herself to realise that she is not ready for a second just yet and needs to apply herself to her work for a while. I am HAPPY that her husband does not expect her to submit to him, because she is a woman. She is listening to herself again.
I think she is out of danger.
I think knowing yourself and paying attention to what you know about yourself are part of the keys to a healthy, balanced life. Submission, if you wish to call it that, should be mutual. A man can sometimes be a doofus, can be ignorant and unable to make a rational decision. As can a woman. That is why a relationship and community are good things - they are there to provide alternative views and provide balance.
At least I think so.
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