Relationship issues.

This story also originates from this "religious friend" of mine. She is now in another American Evangelical transplant church over in Germany. I think this one is not as extreme as the last - for a start the pastor is a Democrat(!) and struggled with persecution over in the US.

At my friend's wedding (my first exposure to an Evangelical wedding and in fact my first religious wedding), the pastor emphasised how marriage was a sacred vow and union ordained by God (no surprises there). He went into a lot of relationship advice-type preaching about the hard times in marriages, which I thought was novel, and maybe kind of cool. Although he did go on about the hard times quite a lot. And made marriage sound like a war. But to be honest, I preferred his straight-up There are going to be Tough Times line than the one taken by some others that now everything is going to be wonderful and glowy and easy and the couple are now going to get along like a house on fire just because God approved of the union.

Then he said something that really struck me. That what makes a good marriage is learning and growing (I don't think he said anything about exclusively female submission, surely I would have noticed) and being prepared to stick it out during the hard times. No problem there. But then he said that a truly good and wonderful marriage can only be achieved if God is present in the relationship.

Immediately my low self-esteem was triggered. I have been in a wonderful, Godless relationship with my "boyfriend" for 14 years. We are not married in the eyes of God or the law, because of my personal issues with marriage as an institution. However I want to be with him forever. I fully desire commitment until death do us part and am totally in this, for better or worse. I understand what that commitment means after 14 years, and I want it.

But those words caused me to question my relationship. Were we really doomed to have a sub-standard relationship without God? But we are dedicated to learning and growing and serving each other, and have already seen out some hard time,s and I hope will see out many more. I want to try harder and be better, for him. But even with this desire and our own best efforts, were we doomed to fail or struggle or have a lacklustre relationship without God?

My boyfriend (really partner is a better word) is quite simply the best thing that ever happened to me, the best thing in my life. I struggle with most things, but our relationship gives me constant joy. I feel immense sadness when I fail him and speak in anger or irritation. I do it often and battle with myself constantly and he has always had the grace to forgive and let me try harder. And I have done the same for him.

This may sound pathetic, but I cannot imagine living without him. My life is so deeply entwined with his. There is me, and there he is, and we are two individuals with different needs and ideas, and we nurture that as best we can. But there is also a third thing between us, a mutual thing, a life and language that we share, that is so much a part of me now that I feel like I would not be me without it. I would not know how to be without it, live without it.

Maybe some would call this unhealthy. I really do not think so, but it is not for me to judge.

I felt conflicted in that church, doubting the best thing in my life, the thing I felt I have truly done right. And then it occurred to me: obviously I do not believe, so this should not be an issue, but even if it is true, even if my relationship is not truly blessed, is not as great as it could be if God were present, it is still great.

I could not ask for anything more in my relationship. I feel thankful every day for it, and it may not be the superior Christian relationship that this pastor claimed was possible, but I would not change a single thing nor ask for one thing more than what I have. Even if we end up falling apart despite our hard work and best intentions because we did not join with God, I would not change a single thing about the last 14 years. They were a gift we gave ourselves and one bestowed with luck, good fortune and hard work.

We have been together for 14 years and I am still learning about him and how he works. I hope to keep learning for the rest of our lives. Together.

My substandard Godless relationship is everything I could possibly need. I hope that even my Godly friends can experience this. And if they get this and something even more, my best wishes to them.